


if i go first

by mhawkridge



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bisexual James Potter, Character Death, Drabble, Gay Regulus Black, Heavy Angst, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), One Shot, Sad Ending, jkr can suck it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29671941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mhawkridge/pseuds/mhawkridge
Summary: “you came,” regulus stated, looking at james as he stood in his room.“you asked me to,” james replied, as if it was still that simple. regulus just stared at him with disbelief.“but you came."~ ~ ~in which regulus black writes to james potter when he discovers the secret of voldemort's horcruxes, and they destroy the locket together.~ ~ ~disclaimer: i do not support JKR or her disgusting transphobic views.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	if i go first

**Author's Note:**

> in honor of jegulus week on tiktok, here's a little jegulus "what if" scenario. i hope you all enjoy!!  
> ~ ~ ~  
> TW for blood/self harm (nothing too bad, i promise, but in order to get into the cave a blood sacrifice has to be performed.)

regulus black had discovered the secret of the horcruxes.

and from the second he’d done so, he’d known what he needed to do.

his heart pounded as he clutched onto the letter he’d just written, his hands trembling. 

it was too late to go back now, too late to think about it. he didn’t have much time left, and every second he spent thinking about it was another second wasted. he took a deep breath, tying the letter to the owl’s leg.

terrified for the upcoming hours, he watched as his owl flew off into the night. this was the right thing to do.

• • •

when james potter got the letter, his initial thoughts were ones of confusion. he recognized the owl, of course - it belonged to regulus black. but regulus and him hadn’t spoken in years, and regulus was now among the ranks of the death eaters. they were fighting on opposite sides of the war, torn apart by their loyalty to what they each stood for. james remembered their time together all too well, and he spent every single moment of his life trying to forget it. yet he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried. it was always there in the back of his brain, like a harsh reminder of what could have been. they’d made their decisions long ago to go their separate ways, and james had learned to be at peace with it.

so what was regulus doing writing to him now, after it had taken him so much time to move on?

after his brief moment of panic, he told himself that everything would be okay in an attempt to calm down. with all of the memories still etched into the back of his brain, he tore the envelope open, anxious to read the letter inside.

the words he read caused his heart to stop and for a second, just a second, the world seemed to stop spinning.

_james,_

_i know it has been a while since we’ve last spoken, but i need to see you immediately. we don’t have much time, and i fear that the dark lord will discover what i know before you do. come to number 12 grimmauld place at once, where i will be waiting for you. **tell no one.** this secret could be one that wins you the war. ___

___forever yours,__ _

___R.A.B.__ _

__upon reading those words, james knew he could waste no time. within just a few minutes, he’d found his invisibility cloak, kissed his now pregnant wife on the cheek goodbye, and taken ahold of his wand._ _

__with doubts still swirling around his mind, clouding every sense of judgement, james apparated to number 12 grimmauld place._ _

__• • •_ _

__“you came,” regulus stated, looking at james as he stood in his room. he still looked the same as the last time they’d seen each other, as if they’d never said goodbye. yet, he knew james was different now, he knew that james had changed - they both had._ _

__“you asked me to,” james replied, as if it was still that simple. regulus just stared at him with disbelief._ _

__“but you _came,_ ” he said, astonishment in his voice._ _

__“did you think i wouldn’t?” james said, sounding as though he were irritated by regulus’s wariness. that stung a little bit, though regulus tried to hide it._ _

__“i just thought... after everything…” regulus stopped himself right then and there. it still hurt too much to think about, because he knew deep down in his heart that he would never get over it. it was selfish, he _knew_ it was selfish, but he didn’t care. james had once been everything to him, only to tear it all apart, and regulus still hadn’t forgiven him._ _

__sometimes, he looked back and wondered where it had all gone wrong. after all, they’d been happy, hadn’t they?_ _

__it had first started back in fourth year, and at the time it had meant nothing. james and regulus had gotten to talking on the quidditch pitch after a game one day, and chatted long into the night, until the stars came out to shine. and suddenly, james had leaned in, and regulus had done the same, powerless to resist. when they shared their first kiss, it was as if the rest of the world had fallen away, leaving them and only them._ _

__after that, the two boys had gotten around to “talking” often._ _

__it happened more out of necessity than anything, out of a need to be with james every single time regulus saw him. they’d kept it a secret, always careful not to get caught, and it had been beautiful. still, he didn’t dare tell james how he really felt, terrified that all of the kissing and time they’d spent together would eventually amount to nothing. there was no way that they were on the same page - after all, everyone knew james had been in love with lily evans since his third year. how on earth could regulus compare to that?_ _

__then, one day after class, regulus realized that he’d caught real feelings for james._ _

__he still remembered the day vividly. fifth year, in early spring. he remembered the feeling of intense fear, he remembered barely being able to stand up straight as he tried to get a grasp on reality, he remembered absolutely breaking down when the realization hit him. he’d never been more terrified of anything in his entire life. james potter did not terrify him, but being with him, being _in love_ with him, did. because he knew he would never stand a chance if he fell. _ _

__james had found him there, of course, sobbing on the floor of the prefect’s bathroom. he always did. and james had comforted him without even knowing what was wrong, holding him close and telling him everything would be okay without a second thought. that was just in james’s nature to do so._ _

__and later that day, after regulus had calmed down, they sat together in silence, curled up next to each other without a care in the world. and then, as james stroked his hair, words came out of his mouth that regulus had never thought he’d get the chance to hear._ _

__“i’m in love with you too, you know.”_ _

__somehow, james had figured out regulus inside and out._ _

__from that moment on, their relationship had been official. and it had been the best thing regulus had ever had, finally something he felt was worth living for._ _

__but it was not to last._ _

__because then in sixth year regulus had been given the dark mark, pledging himself to serve underneath lord voldemort._ _

__that mark had ruined everything._ _

__when james saw it, he had cried and cried, and regulus had cried with him. they’d both known this would never work from the start, but it had never truly hit either of them until just then._ _

__that was the day regulus black had lost james potter._ _

__and he had never thought he’d see him again._ _

__yet, here he was, right in front of regulus as though they’d never said goodbye. and regulus focused his gaze back onto him again, pushing all of the memories to the back of his mind._ _

__

__“i didn’t think you’d want to come.”_ _

__james’s next words felt like a knife to the chest. “well, we’ve got a war to win.” because of course, this was nothing personal. this had nothing to do with them, and everything to do with the war._ _

__“right,” regulus nodded. he put his hand into his back pocket, but then stopped himself for a moment. no going back after this. here, his decision was made._ _

__he pulled the locket out, the one that contained his note to the dark lord. “he’s using horcruxes, james,” he said finally, shoving the locket into james’s hands. when james looked at him, confused as ever, regulus took a deep breath before saying his name. “voldemort is.” it was the first time he had ever referred to him by his actual name, rather than what he as a death eater was supposed to call him._ _

__james opened the decoy locket, unfolding the letter inside as he did so. even hours after writing it, regulus still remembered everything he’d said all too clearly. he’d chosen his words very carefully in order to get his message across._ _

__“to the dark lord,” james spoke aloud, reading the words with caution, “i know i will be dead long before you read this, but i want you to know it was i who discovered your secret. i have stolen the real horcrux and intend to destroy it as fast as i can. i face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more.” when james finished it, he was shaking his head, eyes wide. “reg, no,” he said, looking at the boy in front of him with the concern that had once been there many years ago. “you don’t have to do this.”_ _

__“i need you to be there with me,” regulus said, ignoring james’s look of worry, “so that when i get it, you can destroy it.”_ _

__“but-” james started, but regulus was quicker._ _

__“voldemort is guarding it with this potion, see,” he said, taking the locket and the note back, “and in order to get to it i’ll have to drink it. once i’ve drank it, i’m not sure if i’ll survive. so i need you with me, so that you can take the horcrux when i die and get out of there.”_ _

__“we don’t know if you’ll die,” james said nervously, but regulus knew he was just in denial. they both knew the truth._ _

__“james,” regulus said at last, putting a hand on his shoulder. “are you with me or not?”_ _

__james paused for a moment, but at last he nodded._ _

__“i’m with you.”_ _

__• • •_ _

__they apparated to the entrance of the cave together, regulus’s heart pounding the entire way. he’d never quite get used to the dizziness, he thought, or the feeling that he’d been drowning. the fact that james potter was next to him didn’t help. somehow, the relationship between them was entirely different, yet felt like it had never changed at all._ _

__“this is it,” regulus said, nodding at the small entryway. they were standing on the edges of a rock that pointed to the top of some sort of lake, but there was no mistaking that this was where they intended to go. the triangular entryway was clear even from here, though it was terrifying and intimidating._ _

__“let’s go, then,” james said, and regulus immediately clung onto him, filled with fear._ _

__“no,” he said, knowing at once that it wouldn’t be that easy. the lake below them was surely filled with something, something that would kill them or hurt them or much worse. regulus didn’t want to find out; he wouldn’t expect anything else from lord voldemort. “the lake below, it’s…” he trailed off. he didn’t quite know himself, but it would be nothing good. “we’ve got to find a boat, or something.”_ _

__james nodded and regulus began to look around, but it was clear that there was nothing in sight that they could use. right as he was about to open his mouth to tell james that, james pointed his wand and yelled so loudly that his words were audible above the waves. “ _accio boat_!”_ _

__“james, that’s not gonna-” regulus started, but not even five seconds later a boat came rushing across the waves to them, all the way from that very entrance of the cave he’d been eyeing. he just shrugged, dumbfounded that he hadn’t thought of it first. well. “that could work.”_ _

__and so they traveled across the lake together, for the most part in silence. regulus only talked once, terrified that james might just get sentimental on him. regulus couldn’t afford that right now. “so, once we get in there-”_ _

__“i know, i know, regulus,” james said at once. “you’re going to take it, and i’ve got to get it from you and get out of there.”_ _

__“but if i-”_ _

__“you’re not going to, regulus,” james said, shaking his head. “i can’t let that happen.”_ _

__“james, look-”_ _

__“no, reg!” james said, yelling now. regulus froze. he hadn’t been called that since the last time they’d spoken. james realized it at the exact same time, and his eyes widened in horror before his entire face softened. “look, i- we may not be in sixth year anymore, but that doesn’t mean i don’t still care about you. i’m not just going to let you die.”_ _

__“you might have to,” regulus replied, staring at the floor now._ _

__“no,” james said again, beginning to sound more like a broken record. “regulus, i won’t let that happen.”_ _

__“if we want this horcrux destroyed-”_ _

__“then let me do it!” james replied as the boat sailed through the entryway of the cave, until they were eventually shrouded in darkness. it was quieter in here. regulus had always loved the quiet, but he hated this. it was disturbing, unsettling, even._ _

__“james…” regulus shook his head. “i have nothing left to live for. if this doesn’t kill me, then the dark lord will. you’ve got a wife, you’ve got sirius, you’re going to have a kid-”_ _

__“but i won’t have you,” james said. those words angered regulus beyond compare, and he stood up suddenly, eager to get out of the boat. how dare james talk like that when he was the one who had broken things off. he had no right to._ _

__“you can’t say that,” he snapped. then, thankful for a subject change, he spotted the passageway that was lit by torches. “come on, the entrance is this way.”_ _

__kreacher had told him what was going to happen next. he was going to need to make a blood sacrifice to get in, and he’d come prepared, a dagger lurking in the back of his pocket. he wasn’t planning on telling james, for james would surely do something idiotic and insist that he was the one to make the sacrifice._ _

__“how do we get in from here?” james asked as his eyes fell upon the wall of stone in front of them. regulus acted as quickly as he could, bracing himself for the pain to come. he whipped the knife out of his pocket, dragging the tip along his palm with as much force as he possibly could. he grimaced as he did so, but was careful not to let out a cry or show any sign of pain._ _

__it only hurt for a moment, and regulus dared to even say it hurt less than some of the things he’d experienced back home. he’d cut a bit too deep into his palm, however, blood pouring out of it alarmingly fast, but regulus barely noticed._ _

__james seemed to make a bigger deal out of it than he did. “regulus! bloody fuck, why’d you do that?” he cried, rushing to regulus’s side. regulus stayed silent and simply held out his hand - an offering, of some sort. the realization hit james at once. “so that’s... that’s how we get in.” the entry began to open._ _

__after it had opened all the way, james spoke, and he reacted exactly how regulus thought he would. “you should’ve let me do it.”_ _

__regulus did not reply as he stepped into the horrors of the cave._ _

__he was standing on a shore, of some sort, the lake surrounding him glistening black with impurity. terrible, terrible things had happened here. he tried hard not to shiver, james coming to his side._ _

__suddenly, james had taken the hand that he hadn’t cut, speaking softly. “hey.. it’ll be okay.” and something overcame regulus - something he hadn’t felt in a long time._ _

___love.__ _

__but it was too late for them, it was all too far behind them now. for regulus knew what he had come here to do, knew what he’d set out to accomplish in the first place._ _

__regulus black had come into this cave to die._ _

__he shook his head as he looked over at james, pulling his hand away. “there’s the potion,” he said, gesturing towards it with his finger._ _

__and then he realized that telling james that had been a mistake._ _

__“regulus, let me drink it-”_ _

__“ _no._ ” regulus said at once. he was closer to the potion, he knew that he’d be the first one to get to it. there was nothing james could do, not really, anyways. “i can’t let you do that, james.”_ _

__“so be it,” james said at last, finally looking defeated._ _

__a moment of silence past between them, and regulus took the potion in his hands, prepared to drink the potion at all costs. this was it, the moment of truth, and he knew that he had lay down his life doing the right thing._ _

__“ _flipendo_!”_ _

__suddenly, he was knocked backwards into the wall, a bright light flashing through the air as he was sent flying. and the potion flew out of his hands - right into james’s._ _

__“NO!” regulus screamed, terror filling him as he watched james prepare to take the potion. and he grabbed his wand from where it had fallen beside him, disregarding the stinging of his hand as he screamed the first thing to come to mind._ _

__“ _accio potion_!”_ _

__and so the potion returned to regulus. trembling and frantic, he prepared to take it. he had to now, even if it frightened him. because there was james, ready to lay down his life just so regulus could have his. he had to be brave for james._ _

__but james wouldn’t let him win. he should’ve expected it - regulus black always had to lose._ _

__“ _everte statum_!” james said, and regulus was sent backwards once again, thrown into the wall with such a painful strength that he was forced to stay on the ground even as he watched the potion soar through the air._ _

__those few seconds he spent catching his breath would turn out to be his worst mistake._ _

__“ _expelliarmus_!” james yelled out, and regulus’s wand flew out of his hands as james lunged forward and caught the potion. regulus tried to reach for his wand, but his vision had become far too blurry, his brain too disoriented._ _

__the only thing he could see was the outline of james against the torches of the cave, drinking the potion that was meant to be taken by him._ _

__“JAMES!” regulus screamed through the haze of confusion. and he scrambled to his feet, stumbling towards james even though he felt like he could barely move himself._ _

__he almost didn’t realize that the locket had appeared right in front of him - he didn’t care anymore. all he cared about was that he had failed james, and now he was going to be the one to die. this wasn’t right, it wasn’t fair, it made no sense - _he_ should be the dying one right now._ _

__james collapsed onto his feet, and regulus rushed beside him, but knew he was powerless to do anything. the only thing he could do was stand there, and watch james potter, the only person who had ever truly loved him, die before him._ _

__“the locket,” james suddenly got out, gritting his teeth as he gestured towards it with his hands. “reg, get the locket.”_ _

__and reg did so without thinking, clutching onto it as tightly as he could manage._ _

__james began to cough now, and every cough become full of more and more pain. regulus was in hysterics as he watched him, and tears came to his eyes, fearful that james might start coughing up blood._ _

__and he spoke again, just one word now._ _

__“water.”_ _

__regulus didn’t need to hear it twice as he ran towards the large bowl in the middle of the room._ _

__but to his horror, all of the water had vanished._ _

__his heart sank as he realized what was about to happen. there was only one other place in the entire cave that james could get water from._ _

__the black lake._ _

__he whipped around, praying to everything he could think of that he hadn’t been too late. god, please don’t let him be too late._ _

__“james, don’t drink it from there!”_ _

__he’d been too late._ _

__james was hovering over the water, his hands scooping up water as he tried to drink it up as fast as he could manage._ _

__for a second, nothing happened._ _

__maybe regulus had been wrong. maybe they would be fine._ _

__but then regulus watched with horror as a half-skeletal, half-human hand grabbed onto james’s own, attempting to force him into the water._ _

__“james, NO!” regulus screamed, rushing towards him._ _

__he hadn’t been fully submerged underneath the water, not yet. there was still time to save the both of them, he was sure of it. he just had to think fast._ _

__and he conjured up the memories from so long ago, the ones he had tried so hard to block out of his mind. he thought of james, laughing alongside him as they played with a quaffle on the quidditch pitch. he thought of james, kissing him for the first time and telling him he would be alright._ _

__he thought of james, and the first time james had told him that he loved him._ _

__and he pointed his wand to the roof, screaming with every bit of strength within him._ _

__“EXPECTO PATRONUM!”_ _

__out the end of his wand came a glimmering, silver fox, bounding away brightly as regulus watched._ _

__sirius could get there quickly, he knew it. he was the smartest in the school, he’d know what to do, he’d save them. nevermind the fact that sirius and regulus hadn’t spoken in years - if sirius knew james was in danger, he’d drop everything for him and come to help._ _

__but after a moment, regulus had realized it was useless. what was he thinking? even sirius couldn’t get there that fast, and james was going to die on him. if he needed to save james, he had to do it himself._ _

__regulus didn’t think twice as he leapt towards james, grabbing onto his free hand with both of his hands and pulling james with as much strength as he could manage. he tugged at him, hard, tears spilling out of his eyes. “i’ve got you,” regulus said, a complete mess of blood and tears and sweat. “i’ve got you, james.”_ _

__and for a minute, regulus managed to keep him out of the water, though it took every bit of the power within him. he was beginning to grow weak, he was beginning to lose his grip, but it didn’t matter. the inferi had to give up eventually, they just had to, and regulus was determined for this to be the one battle he would win._ _

__but then james spoke again, the life in his eyes beginning to fade. no, no, no. that couldn’t happen. james potter was not going to die on him._ _

__“let me go, reg,” he said, his voice hoarse. “let me go.”_ _

__regulus shook his head, now sent into absolute hysterics. “no,” he sobbed out, holding onto james’s hands with everything he had left. “i won’t let you.”_ _

__“it’s okay,” james said softly, full of that kindness that only james potter could manage. “i promise you it’s okay.”_ _

__“you’re not going to die,” regulus said, though his faith in those words faded by the second. “i won’t let it happen.”_ _

__“once you get out of here,” james continued, like he had not heard him, “you have to destroy it, so that everyone else will have a chance to live. okay?”_ _

__and finally, regulus just nodded, his knuckles white by this point. “okay.” he took in quick, shaky breaths in a pathetic attempt to calm himself, before speaking again. “i love you, james,” he said through his tears. it was the most selfish thing he could say, but he needed james to know it. “i never stopped.”_ _

__james opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, regulus lost his grip on him._ _

__within just a second, james was sent out into the sea._ _

__regulus screamed as loud as he could, as if someone could hear him. he wasn’t sure how long he screamed for, but his throat felt raw and scathed, his eyes stinging._ _

__and he didn’t think._ _

__he reached out into the lake where james had just been, like that might fix everything. like he’d touch james’s hand, and he could pull him right out, and they’d be fine after all._ _

__but he let out another scream as a hand from down below grabbed him, pulling him deep underneath the water._ _

__yet, he found that he wasn’t full of sorrow or regret as water filled his lungs and his vision began to fade, taking him into the last moments of his life. he’d gone down fighting, hadn’t he?_ _

__and in his last moments, a smile found its way onto his face. regulus black had finally won. he had accomplished what he had set out to do, and soon enough, he’d be with james._ _

__• • •_ _

__sirius had been too late._ _

__he’d gotten into the cave easily enough, he supposed. he’d wasted no time once regulus’s patronus had spoken to him, apparating exactly to where regulus had told him too. he’d taken a boat across the lake, and rushed in as fast as he could to find the entryway to the cave already wide open._ _

__but when he stepped inside, he was all alone._ _

__all that was left on the ground was two identical lockets - one with a note inside, and one that came with nothing._ _

__maybe if he’d been faster, he could’ve made it. he could’ve saved both of them, and he could’ve had regulus back. james could’ve gotten the chance to raise his child, and they could’ve had everything the world had to offer._ _

__but he’d never know now._ _

__sirius black fell to his knees on the floor of the cave, clutching the real locket to his chest, and began to sob._ _

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to claire and mia on tiktok. claire and mia if u see this ily both and you are doing god's work.


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